The Difficulty of Relationships

The second week of each month has been emotionally difficult for me.  It was the 2nd week of May, the 10th day to be exact, that Ben died.  Yesterday marked six months since his death and there is not a day that goes by I don't miss him and wish he was still with us.  As the holidays approach, his death becomes a little bit harder to deal with and while mentally I know getting through the first year will likely be the most difficult, it doesn't ease the sting and it doesn't stop the tears from flowing. 

People talk about looking at life differently after losing someone they love.  I had already lost both sets of grandparents and some other relatives, but it certainly doesn't compare to losing a child.  The balance of life has been completely disrupted and being a parent grieving the loss of her child has caused me to look at many things in my life differently.

One area of my life that I think about on a daily basis are my relationships.  I think about the relationships that are truly important to me and consider how I want to improve those relationships?  I think about past relationships and reflect on how to avoid making the same mistakes with my current relationships.  I have had very specific feelings regarding the relationships in my life and those feelings have become even stronger over the last six month.  With that said, I'm going to share some things that I've never discussed on my blog before.  I've considered posting about this for a very long time, but I really am a very private person and haven't wanted to put my dirty laundry out for everyone to read.  Yet I know that what I've gone through and what I'm still going through is not that unusual.  There are others out there going through very similar situations.  There are others out there that are having relationship difficulties and simply keeping quiet and not expressing their feelings.  I did that for a very long time and it wasn't healthy on many levels.  So, feel free to read on if interested.  This is likely going to be a long post and possibly not my last post on the subject.

For many years, I had a strained relationship with my mother.  Funny thing is, I found out several years ago that she didn't know we had a strained relationship.  Apparently, I did a very good hiding my feeling from her and that is where the unhealthy part comes in.  It seemed like a good idea to just keep my thoughts and feelings to myself, after all, this was my mother and I just needed to show her love and respect regardless, right?  This was just who she is and if she was saying or doing things I didn't agree with I should just stay quiet and keep the peace, right?  While on the surface it made sense to stay quiet, respect my mother and just keep the peace, a time came when I knew I had to speak up.  Even mothers and fathers do and say things that require some tough love, especially when things said or done have such a negative effect on you and those you love.

Now, I could go into a long dissertation of all the things that caused my relationship with my mother to become strained, but this post would truly become too long and I doubt anyone wants to read a blog novel.  However, my relationship with her went from strained to non-existent a few years ago when she made some inappropriate comments to Ben and later to Dave.  Again, I could go into all the details of the comments made, but for the sake of time and some level of privacy, I feel it would be better at this point to simply state that they were completely inappropriate and extremely hurtful.  Hurtful to the point that Ben told me, "You don't know how it feels to know that your own grandmother hates you."  Hurtful and inappropriate to the point that my husband called me one day very upset over a phone call he received from my mother.  I knew the time had come to step in and do one of the most difficult things I've ever had to do - I had to confront my mother and try to bring some peace to the family.  She had hurt my son and my husband deeply, so to do nothing was not acceptable any longer.  While I would like to say that this was unusual behavior for her, in all honesty, it wasn't.  For as along as I could remember, I heard her say hurtful things to and about other people.  It made me feel very uncomfortable.  How could someone be teaching their children to behave one way, when their words and actions were contradictory to those teachings?  I knew what we were being taught was right and what she was doing was wrong, but again, this was my mother and I was not to talk back to my mother, right?

I was a mother hen protecting her baby chicks. I was a wife who wasn't going to allow anyone to say bad things to or about her husband and it didn't matter who it was.  Just so happens that in this case it was my mother.  She hurt the ones I loved most in this world and I was putting a stop to it one way or another.  So, I confronted her.  I felt like the mother telling her child how hurtful her words were; how it was completely inappropriate and would no longer tolerated.  I explained the need to surround ourselves by people who could show us love and support and how we had no place in our lives for those who only wanted to judge and condemn us.  I expressed myself clearly when I told her, "If you are unable or unwilling show us love and support and are going to continue being judgemental and condemning, then I need to ask you to stay away."

This is the extremely short version of the conversation I had with her these many years ago (approximately 7 years ago) and the end of the story is that she has not spoken to us since that day.  And for those who may be wondering, Ben's death didn't change things.  She still hasn't spoken to us in about 7 years.

When Ben died, he still felt like his grandmother hated him.  While he had spoken to her since the day I confronted her, she clearly had not changed her ways.  She continued to say hurtful and inappropriate things to and about Ben, the difference was that Ben grew and matured and unlike me, he confronted her immediately when things were said and let her know how he felt.  Still, he died not feeling the love he so desired to feel from his grandmother.

My feelings haven't changed in the fact that I still very much believe that it is vital for us to surround ourselves by people who love and support us.  They don't have to agree with our choices or the decisions we make in our life, but we expect them to support us and respect our decisions and choices.  After all, it's our life and we are the ones who live with the consequences of our choices whether those consequences are good, bad or indifferent.  In the same way, we want our friends and family to expect the same level of love and support from us. 

I wish I would have spoken up and confronted my mother a very long time ago.  I don't know that the outcome would have been any different, but I certainly would have spent less time stressing over having such a strained relationship with her.  Our relationship is non-existent by her choice and while sad, there is less stress and negativity in our daily lives. 

Sadly, I see others going through similar situations - someone has hurt them and/or is making them unhappy, but instead of opening honest conversation, expressing their hurt, and how they feel, they avoid the other person or keep them at arms length.  They don't take the steps necessary to repair the relationship and it continues down a destructive path that will most certainly end the relationship.

Relationships are difficult.  One person alone cannot make a relationship work.  It requires time effort and hard-work on the part of all those involved.  However, when people work together putting in the time, making the effort, and doing the work that is necessary, the benefit is a fulfilling, loving, respectful and supportive relationship.  We all need to have as many successful relationships in our lives as possible and I hope that each of you will take the time to reflect on the truly important people in your lives.  Are those relationships where you want them to be?  Are you shown love and support in your relationships?  Do you give love and support in return?  If the answer to any of these questions is no than please don't allow pride or fear stop you from making them better.  Don't keep waiting and hoping that things will change tomorrow because things only change when one person is willing to take the first step in trying to make things better. 

My story does not have a happy ending, but I think it's a great example of what happens when problems aren't dealt with head-on.  I'm not pleased with the outcome of my efforts, but I wanted a better relationship with my mother and at least I was willing to take the first step by stating my feelings and desires to her.  Maybe someday she'll want things to be different, but until then I will try hard to not make the same mistakes with the relationships I cherish most in my life.